How many times in a week do you replay in your mind, things you’ve said, or conversations you’ve had? Do you sometimes replay these same conversations aloud with others?
How often do you second-guess yourself? Do you find yourself wondering how you are perceived, or how your intentions might be misunderstood by others?
If any of this sounds familiar, you aren’t alone.
Brené Brown, PhD LMSW is a research professor at the University of Houston. For the last two decades, she has studied courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. In her book Daring Greatly Brené says:
“Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
It can be a heavy burden to worry and care too much about what other people may or may not think.
I’m grateful for the repeat lesson that anytime I find myself shrinking or apologizing for who I am, I know I’m operating from a wounded place of feeling like I’m not enough.
Whether we realize it or not, walking around wounded in the belief we aren’t enough is an endless loop that traps us in unhappiness.
When our self-worth is tied up in our actions and relationships, we never get the feeling we are okay exactly as we are. Our worth becomes dependent on external forces.
In an effort to break free from the trap, it’s essential to nurture our wounds and allow our true selves to take the lead.
We have to be okay being more of who we are in all of our darkness and light.
Loving who we are, as we are, is a practice that requires grace, compassion and humor. Think of it as a step-by-step way to approach the day.
Here are 3 strategies I turn to when I need an added reminder to be unapologetically who I am. If these practices resonate, give them a try.
1. Replace Guilt with Love
Guilt will always knock us off course. When our actions stem from guilt, we aren’t being true to ourselves. Acting out of guilt, also sends mixed signals to the people we are in relationship with. Guilt leads to people-pleasing behavior, martyrdom and feeling like our tank is always on empty. It’s challenging to be unapologetically who we are if we feel like we “should” be a certain way around others.
I was blessed to have my grandmother in my life until she was ninety-four. After my grandfather passed, we made the decision as a family to help my grandma settle in to a care facility. It wasn’t easy. It was especially hard on my mom. I felt a sense of guilt that I couldn’t be there with my grandma more. Being in the throes of raising a family, running a business and the added challenge of a global pandemic, meant I couldn’t be there as often as I wanted.
So how did I replace guilt with love and show up unapologetically as myself in this situation?
My main priority was to show up, express my love and be present with my grandma while I had that gift. Instead of feeling bad and inviting feelings of guilt into our visit, I made the most of every minute of our time together. Whether it was bringing her cookies, watching a ball game together or bringing in my little dog for a visit, our ordinary moments were quite extraordinary because they were filled with love.
An act of love extinguishes the power of guilt.
Instead of worrying about how you should show up, show up from a place of love. Love always paves the path to authenticity.
2. Don’t take on Pushy People’s Agendas
Sometimes you’ll come across people in your inner and outer social circles who are pushy. These pushy people are fantastic teachers, especially if you have a hard time holding boundaries. Until you practice healthy boundaries, they will continue to show up in all of their pushiness. You’ll keep drawing in these same people, or similar people, who are quick to make demands and requests of your time, energy and light.
These pushy peeps often become trigger people and teachers. They become teachers because we can use how we feel when we’re around them, and how we react to them, as a barometer for how centered we are in our truth.
Instead of shrinking, overreacting, or caving in the presence of pushy people, practice how it feels to not take on their agenda as your own. It’s okay to say no, it doesn’t change who you are.
We can disagree without being disagreeable. Pushy people are often acting out of a wounded place, so don’t personalize their behavior. Send them love instead.
As for setting healthy boundaries, start with where you are. Make one small step at a time toward implementing boundaries with those who overstep. Reclaim your right to be unapologetically you.
3. Find Your Light and Know Your Center
The trick to showing up unapologetically as who we are, is to know who we are inside and out. If you don’t already have a self-reflection and self-awareness practice, start one in a way that suits you.
What is your definition of success and joy? Make a detailed list of what this looks like to you.
What are your usual triggers and stopping places? What causes you to shrink or feel less than who you are?
How might you nurture your wounds? When you fall of course, what helps you to get back on track?
How will you honor all aspects (not just the shiny parts) of who you are?
Being unapologetically who we are, is staying true to who we are through all of the ups and downs in life. Sure, we will get knocked off center. But when we know who we are at our core, it’s easier to recalibrate when we go off course.
When we are familiar with our source of light, it’s easier to come back home when we find ourselves lost in the dark.
At the end of the day, who you are is always more than enough. Be unapologetically you.
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